Chronicle I: Drunken Venting

Okay. I’m slightly obliterated right now, so I apologize if this post is merely one of drunken, whiny, venting.

Tonight I sat in my backyard with my best friend, drank a few glasses of Moscato, and talked about things like duvet covers and why I’ve never  been in a relationship. I love sitting outside. There is something about the rhythmic noises of the crickets, and the dim, flickering lights of the fireflies that makes me feel less alone. Perhaps it’s because no matter how bad things are, no matter how much I cry and how much I wish I could turn back time, the crickets never stop singing and the fireflies never stop lighting up. I guess, in a way, they give me hope.

Any who, back to the best friend discussion. We covered the whole “maybe I don’t have a boyfriend because I’m annoying, fat, and prude.” I’ve been told that giving a guy a blowjob on the second date is normal, but if I do that then how will I know if he likes me for me or for the blowjobs I give him, right? We decided that none of those reasons were valid. Remember in an earlier post when I told you that I’m not the kind of girl who waits by her phone for a guy to call her? Yeah. Well I’m not that girl, I’m trying so hard not to be that girl. . .but it’s difficult. Because when I wrote that I didn’t have feelings for him. I was in control. I wasn’t giving into his charming little remarks. But then he started talking to me more, and telling me about his life. My weakness is when guys get personal, so falling for him was kind of inevitable and totally his fault.

I mean, him and I would never work out, anyway. He’s a huge partier, and I, well, I’m not. I enjoy the occasional drunken night out (occasional meaning at most twice a month), but I am quite far from a party girl, the closest I’ve been to gambling is playing craps with my family on Thanksgiving, and I’ve tried a cigarette twice in my entire life  (I will never ever try one again). So, you see, we are different. Guys like him don’t go for girls like me, and girls like me certainly don’t go for guys like him. I don’t quite understand why this had to happen in the first place. I tried so hard to stay away. I knew that nothing good could come out of this.

But no matter how much I try to convince myself that he is not for me, I just want to see him again. And rest my head on his chest while listening to his heart beat in unison with mine. Help.

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